12 ‘Completely Factual’ Things I learned in China

Hello Explorers!

Now I’m sure that i’m not the only one to write a blog similar to this. In fact, I just Googled it and I know i’m not the only one. I did, however, refrain from reading any of those articles so I wouldn’t be influenced by them! I just liked the idea so much that I decided to make one of my own.

I am actually preparing to leave China within the next 2 days! I didn’t realize until I returned from my mini trek through the South West of China that I have many more things I would like to write about. So it looks as if I’ll be continuing my ‘China’ blogs while i’m on American soil. But without further delay, here are some things I learned in China.

1.) That obeying traffic lights (and most other traffic laws) is optional.
The Chinese street rule of law = The bigger vehicle wins.

2.) How to hand wash laundry like a boss.

image(5) I got 99 problems, but a stain ain’t one.

3.) That every strange part of the animal is somehow good for you.
Stew made from sheep parts is good for your skin and blood tofu is good for ‘women parts’, if you get what I mean.

blood tofu This is blood tofu, and I meant vagina.
(I do not own this image)

4.) That breathing ‘stale air’ is bad for you, so you should keep a window open at all times.
Including in the icy middle of winter. You know because the outside air is much better for you!

pollution Riiiiiiiight.
(I do not own this image)

5.) That if you see a line your first impulse should be to go right to the front.
Start throwing elbows people! Waiting in line is for wimps.

6.) That construction projects like apartments and roads should only last 25-30 years.
Max. If we can’t tear it down and rebuild it in a few years then what’s the point?

7.) How to remain calm in hectic situation.
There might be 20 scooters, 5 bikes, 10 cars and a bus coming straight for you all honking in one way or another, and being a laowai I will, of course, become instantly delirious with stupidity when faced with streets I don’t know and step right out in front of them despite having seen them coming. Silly foreigners! After being in China for 11 months, however, I do not faint in foreign fear and instead I have grown quite accustomed to the shit storm of traffic that accosts me daily. Although, the heart clenching fear that my demise is more imminent than distant is still ever present.

8.) That you can always fit a few more people on a crowded bus or subway car.
Keep pushing! I want every part of my body to be touching someone else. Even better when it is 95 degrees out.
bus At least buy me dinner first!
(I do not own this image)

9.) That almost every illness can be fixed with hot water or some form of tea.
Sore throat? Hot water with honey will solve that! (Very true) Stomach ache? Hot water with fix that! (meh)
Syphillis? Pour boiling hot water on it! (Ok, please for the love of God don’t actually do that.)

10.) Honking your car or scooter horn solves everything.
So you should do it loudly and often. In fact, do it right now! Just for the hell of it! Who cares? It isn’t like anyone actually pays attention to them anymore!

11.) As a westerner I am richer than you and think that i’m better than you. But I am also more ignorant, especially because i’m American.
Please note that these are my observations. I don’t actually think i’m better than anyone else, and (shockingly enough) not all Americans are ignorant. But aren’t stereotypes fun!?
signSome clearly are, I won’t deny that.
(I do not own this image)

12.) Bean sprouts do not fully digest.
You don’t want to know how I know that. I would add a picture… but I think you are already thinking about it.
You’re welcome.

These are really just the ones that scratch the surface. China is a fun land of contradictions, some are funny, some are confusing, and some are just downright frustrating.

I hope you read this and laughed, and knew that this was written with a heavy grain of sarcasm (as is my nature).

Do you have some observations and peculiarities you have noticed while in China?

Until next time, never forget:
Adventure is out there, so never stop exploring!

XO,
C

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